


weak knees, stubborn heart

by t_hens



Series: chronically, yours [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Comfort, Disability, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt Phil, M/M, Rheumatoid Arthritis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 09:32:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15409998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t_hens/pseuds/t_hens
Summary: when Phil wakes up in the midst of a flare up, his joints tight, swollen and blindingly painful, he knows it's going to be a bad day. he refuses to take the day off like Dan suggests though, knowing there are videos to film and meetings to attend.when a mishap happens at work and Phil gets hurt, he is forced to face the fact that maybe it's time to admit that he can't do everything on his own.sometimes he needs a shoulder to lean against now that he's sick, but so long as that shoulder is attached to Dan, maybe he can make an exception.





	weak knees, stubborn heart

**Author's Note:**

> this is a fic that is loosely based off of my own experiences dealing with rheumatoid arthritis. 
> 
> beta by [fourthingsandawizard](https://fourthingsandawizard.tumblr.com/) and a special thanks to [huphilpuffs](https://huphilpuffs.tumblr.com/) for helping with this fic and for just always letting me complain and waffle about my RA.  
> you guys are the best :)

Phil can tell it’s going to be a bad day before he’s even fully awake. There’s a dull throb in his joints, a stiffness that makes it difficult to shift around in bed like he wants to. The more he comes to, the more he becomes aware of the needles of pain in his ankles and knees and hands. It makes him want to pull his hair out in frustration, but he knows his hands won’t work properly and he won’t have full use of motion for probably another 30 minutes.

He gingerly stretches out in bed, wincing as pain shoots through his body. He slowly starts flexing his fingers, not surprised when there’s barely any motion. He rotates his ankles slowly, trying not to focus on the sensation of his bones and joints cracking in protest. He can already tell there will be hardly any give in his knees, and decides to leave that for when he has get out of bed. 

Dan stirs next to him and pulls Phil close to him to cuddle, making his tender knees knock together and an involuntary whine leave his throat. He can feel Dan stiffen around him and berates himself for letting a noise out. 

“Is it a bad day?” Dan asks quietly.

Phil nods, not quite trusting his voice just yet. Dan presses a kiss to Phil’s shoulder and gently squeezes his middle, where he knows it’s a safe zone. 

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Phil doesn’t know if Dan’s apologizing for accidentally hurting him, or because Phil’s having a bad day, but it doesn’t really matter. There’s nothing to be done about it either way and they both know it. Phil keeps flexing his hands and rotating his ankles in the hopes that by the time they get up, he’ll be able to walk without too much of a limp.

“We can just relax today.”

Phil is shaking his head before Dan even finishes his sentence.

“We have a gaming video to film. And we have meetings that we’ve already rescheduled.”

Dan sighs behind him, knowing that no matter what he says, Phil will just shoot him down. Ever since this started happening a few years ago, Phil waking up each morning with his joints a little more stiff and achy than the day before, Phil’s been adamant that it wouldn’t change his life. And he hasn’t let it so far. Even on days when he would come home in tears because his feet hurt so bad, or he had to limp to get from one destination to the other, he wasn’t letting this thing stop him.

“There’s nothing wrong with taking a day off because you don’t feel good, you know.”

“I know,” Phil says, “I just don’t want to reschedule again.”

He moves to the edge of the bed and presses his feet to the floor. He applies pressure slowly, wincing as bursts of pain shoot up his legs. He continues until he’s used to it and then stands up, limping to the bathroom and trying to ignore Dan’s eyes boring into his back.

He gets into the shower, letting the hot water relax him a little. It doesn’t do much to relieve the ache in his joints, but it loosens his tight muscles and he takes a few deep breaths before reaching for his shampoo. The shower takes longer than he wants it to, his movements slow and pained, and when he’s finished, he’s clean, but even more tired than when he started. He limps back into the bedroom and gets dressed, wishing he could just pull sweatpants back on, but puts his jeans and t-shirt on so he’s decent for their meetings. He pulls on socks and has to loosen the ties on his shoes in order to get them on, his feet swollen past their normal size. It’s uncomfortable, but having some cushion between his feet and the hardwood floors is a relief. 

He makes his way into the kitchen and finds Dan making them coffees and cereal. Phil presses a kiss to Dan’s shoulder and Dan turns and pulls him into a hug. Phil noses into the crease of Dan’s neck, laying his head there for a second until his feet scream in protest at standing for too long. He pulls away and Dan gives him a kiss before he shoos him towards the lounge, taking two trips to take their breakfast in. Phil feels guilt churn in his chest and goes to apologize, but Dan stops him before he can start.

“It’s fine. Enjoy my cereal while it’s being offered to you.”

Phil smiles and takes a bite of cereal, savoring the sweet, crunchy clusters, knowing he probably only likes it so much because it’s Dan’s. Offering up his cereal was one of the little ways that Dan tried to offset how bad Phil’s bad days were. It was something small, but it meant more than Phil knew how to express. They eat their breakfast while Netflix autoplays something in the background and when they’re finished, Phil takes their bowls and cups into the kitchen, ignoring Dan’s complaints that he was just getting ready to do that. 

Phil deposits the dirty dishes in the sink and does his best to ignore the way his fingers ache from holding the bowls and cups just the short distance. _You're a member of this household, and you need to contribute, sore fingers be damned,_ he thinks. Dan walks in and Phil pointedly looks the other way so he doesn’t have to see the frustrated look on his face.

They film a Sims video, something easy that Phil can mostly sit back and comment on, and leave a little early for their meeting so they can stop somewhere for lunch. Phil doesn’t fight about getting a cab to Starbucks like he usually might; his shower and filming have left him exhausted, and he’s only half way through the day.

They walk inside the coffee shop and Phil tries not to groan at the size of the queue. It’s lunchtime though, of course it’s busy, but he still feels a flicker of irritation.

“You can go sit down. I can get it,” Dan says, placing a hand gently on Phil’s elbow.

“No, it’s okay. I’m fine.”

“Okay.”

Phil has to give Dan credit, he keeps the frustration out of his voice better than Phil could if their roles were reversed. He _knows_ he’s being stubborn, but he can’t help it. There’s a streak of pride in him that doesn’t want to accept that he can’t do things the same anymore; that he can’t walk around for hours, or stand in a queue for 30 minutes without it taking a toll on his body. 

Admitting those things feels like admitting defeat.

Phil shuffles his weight from one foot to the other, clenching his teeth at the rush of blood that flows back into his numb foot. He flexes his hand as a distraction, the ache in his knuckles almost feeling nice in comparison to the pain in his feet. He sees Dan watching him out of the corner of his eye and shakes his head a little to indicate that he’s fine. Dan presses his hand to the small of Phil’s back and gently rubs. It’s a small act of comfort, but it makes Phil’s throat burn with tears he can’t shed in a Starbucks. Days like these always bring his emotions so close to the surface, they feel like they’re a poorly built dam waiting to burst.

They move to the front when it’s their turn, Phil gripping the counter and leaning against it to take some of the pressure off of his ankles and knees. They order quickly, and this time when Dan says he can pick up their food, Phil agrees and makes his way to the overstuffed chairs, knowing that he doesn’t have the energy to heave himself up onto one of the stools lining the windows, even though it’s less crowded there. Dan joins him after a moment and hands him his coffee and sandwich. Phil mumbles his thanks as they go to eat quietly and quickly. Dan gathers their garbage and throws it away before Phil has a chance to try, because he knows Phil will. Dan knows him just as well as he knows himself, for better or worse sometimes.

They have to stand and wait for their cab to their meeting, and Phil shuffles his weight back and forth on his feet, not wanting either to go numb. Dan watches him move around, his eyebrows furrowed with worry. Phil reaches over to smooth out the crease between his eyes and gives him a small smile.

“I’m okay.”

Dan doesn’t say anything, just quirks his lip like he wants to say something, but knows better.

“I love you,” Phil says quietly.

It’s not quite a plea, but more of a reminder. A “I know I’m stubborn and I make things difficult, but thank you for dealing with me.” Dan smiles, pinching Phil lightly in his arm instead of kissing him like Phil knows he wants to.

“I love you, too.”

Their cab arrives and takes them to their first of three meetings of the day. Phil limps into the building, heading straight for the elevator, knowing the stairs would surely be the death of him. Dan follows behind him, standing closer to him than necessary to offer him some stability. Phil leans into him gratefully, fighting the urge to close his eyes. He’s so tired. Exhausted beyond belief, and there is still so much to do. He wants nothing more to lay his head against Dan’s shoulder and take a nap, but before he can finish the thought, the elevator dings and they make their way to the conference room. 

It’s full of important people who all have important things to do with their careers, and Phil hates them all a little bit. He feels the way that they stare a little bit too long at him when he limps in, and they all shake his hand a little too tightly, making his fingers throb. When he takes his seat, he can feel tears in his eyes, and he’s biting his lip to keep them from falling, thankful that he wore his glasses today and hoping that they keep it from being too obvious. Dan brings his chair close and puts his hand on Phil’s thigh, leaning in.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” 

Phil sniffs and wipes his eyes quickly, reaching down and gripping Dan’s hand. He doesn’t care that they are in a room full of people, and thankfully Dan doesn’t either. He just gives Phil’s fingers a squeeze soft enough that there’s no pain with it, just the comfort he needs. They turn towards the meeting in progress and try to act like they have been paying attention the whole time.

The meeting is a bit monotonous, and when it’s over, Phil can’t help but be relieved. He just wants to get the other two over so he can go home and sleep. Everyone stands and Phil limps forward, shaking hands with everyone and thanking them for their time. 

It’s towards the end of the hand shaking queue when a sudden pain shoots from his foot. He bursts into tears before he can fully process why. The man who had been shaking his hand jumps back quickly, not having realized he’d stood on Phil’s foot, and looks a bit horrified at the tears streaming down his face.

It’s like a punch to the gut, the the burst of pain that erupts in his foot making his stomach churn with nausea. He can feel it from the tips of his toes all the way to the top of his head, the pain rattling his brain. He gasps for air, trying to contain the sobs that are starting to escape from his throat without his permission. 

“Hey, lets go. We’re going home.” 

Phil can feel Dan’s arms curling around his waist and lets Dan lead him towards the elevator. Tears are still falling when they get into the elevator, and Phil leans heavily onto Dan, trying to calm himself down.

“Hey, it’s okay.”

“It hurts. It was just un- unexpected,” Phil sobs. 

He feels stupid for crying. He hates it. He wipes the tears from his eyes in frustration, trying to take some of his weight off of Dan. Dan pulls him back onto him, readusting his grip so that he can take more of his weight.

“Just let me help you, okay?” 

Phil can hear Dan’s pleading tone and decides, for once, to just listen. 

He doesn’t trust his voice, so he just nods, relaxing a little into Dan’s grasp. Dan seems surprised when there isn’t a fight, but takes the weight Phil gives him without complaint, and when the doors open, he doesn’t let go, helping him towards the street. They have to wait for a cab and Dan doesn’t loosen his embrace, even though they’re in public and the likelihood of them being seen is very real. The thought makes him feel a confusing mix of guilt and happiness. Guilt because the fallout of them being seen like this could cause more problems than either of them want to deal with. Happiness because it’s obvious Dan doesn’t care. He’s putting Phil first, like he always does, and just the thought makes more tears fall from his eyes.

Their cab arrives and Dan helps him forward, Phil’s limp much more pronounced now. The cab is hot and smells a little, but the relief it provides makes it feel like heaven for Phil. Dan slides in next to him and wraps his arm around Phil’s shoulder, letting him lay on his chest.

“Why don’t you rest? I’ll wake you up when we get home.”

Phil nods. It isn’t _that_ long of a cab ride, but he can already feel his eyes drooping and doesn’t try to fight it. 

He doesn’t completely fall asleep, just dozes off, but Dan still has to gently shake him when they arrive to get him to wake up completely. Phil gets out of the cab and lets Dan help him into the building and upstairs to their flat.

“I’m gonna run you a bath, okay?”

“Okay.”

Phil slowly follows Dan into the bathroom, the bath already half full by the time he arrives. He strips out of his clothes and carefully steps into the hot water. He lays down the best he can in the tub, making sure his feet are completely covered and can soak. Dan sits down next to him and hands him some paracetamol and a glass of cold water. Phil takes the pills and gulps the cold water down greedily, not realizing how thirsty he was until that moment.

“Thank you,” he said, his voice a little raspy from crying.

“You’re welcome.”

Dan takes the glass back and runs his fingers in the bath water absentmindedly. 

“We need to talk.”

Phil doesn’t bother asking about what, he already knows. 

“I know. I know.”

“It’s hard to see you like this. Especially when I don’t know what to do to help you.”

Phil’s throat feels tight and he stares up at the ceiling to avoid crying again.

“You don’t have to do anything,” Phil whispers.

“I can’t just sit around a watch you be in so much pain. And I know it’s not all the time, but on the days that it is, you’re miserable and you push yourself so hard. It’s so hard to watch.”

Dan’s got tears in his eyes and Phil hates himself a little for doing this to him. He knows he’s too stubborn, and if he just accepted Dan’s help sometimes, or didn’t try to do so much, his bad days wouldn’t be so bad for either of them.

“I know. I’m sorry,” he says, taking Dan’s hand in his.

“Are there any medicines you could take? Or maybe you could get a cane or something for your bad days?”

Phil does his best to ignore the pang of frustration and feeling of failure he feels at the mention of medication or a cane. He knows it’s stupid and immature, but it’s the way his brain operates whether he wants it to or not.

“I can go to the doctor. See if there is something they can do.”

Dan smiles wide, the first hint of real happiness on his face today.

“Thank you,” he says, lifting Phil’s fingers to his lips and giving them a kiss.

“You don’t have to thank me,” Phil chuckles.

Dan just shrugs a little, but Phil knows how much this means to him. Phil’s refusal to get help or to see a doctor had been a point of contention between the two of them since he had first gotten sick. Dan had done everything he could to convince Phil to get help, and Phil had refused time after time, insisting he was fine, even though they both knew he wasn’t.

“I love you. I think this will be a good thing.”

“I think so, too.”

Phil still feels his pride simmering under the surface, telling him he doesn’t need a doctor’s help, but the logical part of his brain finally seems to have a grip on him and he knows this will make him feel better. He knows this will make him happier, and in turn, make Dan happier. 

“Worth a try, right?”

Phil leans forward in response and kisses Dan lightly on his lips.

“Your mum’s worth a try.”

Dan punches him lightly in the arm, but laughs loudly. 

“Scoot over, Lester. I’m getting in.”

Phil adjusts to let Dan get in beside him and wraps his arms around Dan’s waist. For a few minutes, he can forget about his pain and how crappy his body is. He can just focus on the warm water and the feel of Dan’s fingers threading through his hair. He can focus on how happy he is in this moment with Dan, and for now, that’s all he needs.

**Author's Note:**

> @tobieallison on tumblr  
> @t_hens on pillowfort  
> :)


End file.
